For the past years, I have been relentlessly praying for your happiness. During the first five years, I prayed that I have the strength to keep you happy – so when you left, I thought maybe I just was not enough anymore. After that, I prayed even harder, still for your happiness. I did so because I knew I could no longer control it. Inaasa ko na lang sa universe na sumaya ka, or aasa ako sa ibang tao para pasayahin ka. It sucked like hell, knowing that another person will now be the reason for that awesome smile on your face. I thought to myself, “sige na, masaya siya eh. Tanggap na lang ng tanggap, as long as she ends up happy.” The first time I saw you smile because of ***** was the first time I really let you go, because I knew that smile. The one you always had whenever you were with me. At the expense of our friendship, I let you be with this person. Ni ‘ha,’ ni ‘ho,’ WALA. Pero sige, I would always tell myself, MASAYA KA EH. After that episode of your life ended, of course I still wanted you to be happy, even if it STILL did not include me. So the next one came, during the crucial moments of your so-called growing up phase. From the jump ball, I knew it was not a good idea. But again, kung ikasasaya mo eh di sige susuportahan kita. Langya, para san pa at nagging best friend mo ako, di ba? And now that it’s established that the two of you cannot be together, you ask me why not. Of course I answer with the truth, as I always do with you. One, hindi ka niya gusto. Two, lalung-lalo naman na hindi ka niya mahal. Three, ginamit ka lang niya, at nagpagamit ka naman. But the one that got you is when I said, ”di kasi niya kayang tiisin ugali mo,” which is partly true. I know only a few people who can do that, honestly. So don’t be so emotional. I meant it in the most constructive and truthful way possible. Kung sumama man ang loob mo, I’m sorry, pero yun ang nakikita kong totoo. Ask yourself why you are affected by the last statement. Is it because it’s true? Or is it because I was the one who said it? Or is it because of the two? Or maybe another reason? As for the near future, ewan ko na, dude. I cannot and will not do anything as long as you have issues, you know that. Unless you ask for help with them. And for now, I think it’s about freaking time that I pray for my own happiness. Maye this time, I won’t be so concerned about yours so much. Just maybe.
Maybe This Time